231020102023

Dear Claire,

Okay, well, where to start? You’re probably never going read it. In fact chances are it won’t even reach you. I’m probably just writing this to myself you know for very putty reasons. I guess I should just say all this stuff especially by now but it helps to write things down rather than saying it so that we won’t forget and generally making a fool out of ourselves. It’s September third today! That means it would have been our two years and six months of anniversary. I know that I always complain those anniversaries are for twelve years old but yes, happy hypocritically anniversary. I know you probably roll your eyes at me for bring that up and I’m well aware that it has been well over a year now since you… left me, well one years three months and sixteen days. I think right now I’ve finish the process you know and I have finally come into terms with the fact that you are not coming back, ever. And I think I’m out of the phrase where I just lie on my floor and hoping that you will just turn up on my doorstep. You know what, I’m… I’m doing okay, getting there, baby steps. I’ve even… even been sort of seeing a girl. Jess is her name. My kin keeps telling me that it’s a positive step getting over you and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice girl but different.

It’s funny. Your muscles have a certain memory about them that is we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But than you spent a long enough time with someone, and your bodies memories each other you know. The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eye lashes and why your finger would curl in sequence when I use to play with you palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language. It’s a scary thing… and she voluntarily eats celery, who does that?

You know people are always on the back “you know find someone else, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” Well you know what, I feel like a freaking fish in a bucket. I’ve been reading a lot, non-fiction mostly. Did I ever tell you about the theory about the multi-verse? It says that there is an infinite amount of hypocritically universes parallel to ours containing every single possible set of circumstances. Kind of got me thinking you know? It means that somewhere, there might be a world in which on that fifteen of February we never had that argument and I didn’t say all those things I didn’t mean and you didn’t walk away without another word. Well maybe there is another world in which I chase after you, and we will still be together, catches the train together and do couple things and have bubble tea with that god off slimy goby old jelly at the bottom which I hate.

Sometimes on my way, I’d walk pass your house. Every time I do, I get this weird urge to knock on the door which is stupid because I know you wouldn’t answer it. Well in any case it’s technically your old house now. You’re… nowadays you’re quite far away with your new life and all. I wonder if you even remember me sometimes, I… I’d… I’d wish you talk to me, give me some… vague sign that you do remember. Because you know what, I’m not doing well, life is actually pretty shit.

And look at me, I’ve comb this whole page without using the L word in one so far but, looking at it objectively, realistically I… I would say that I still love you. And I’m kind of afraid that I won’t really stop. I… I hope they are treating you well up there, cause; I am missing you more than ever.

Love,

Sonny